I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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