Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
