life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
