oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
