I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he wants to bone in the snuggie
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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