Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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