So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
