After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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