When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
