Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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