You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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