Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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