Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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