She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Someone came in the potted fern
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
