Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
