I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
