don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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