I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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