I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
