i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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