it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
