Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
