Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
