i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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