She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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