On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My bed smells like the plague
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
