There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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