3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
