If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
