i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
