Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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