Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
