Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
