I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
