i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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