I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
