I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
