You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
