As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
