So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
