I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
