I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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