Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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