Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
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