I'm so fucking centered right now
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
