Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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