what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
