there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
this hospital has no fireball
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
