I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
