Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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