think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
