My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
